Back when I was young and the world wasn't full of Internet porn for the easy taking, the only place I could get my pervert fix was over at my friend Robbie's house. His dad had one of those big-ass NASA sized satellite TV dishes, the kind that, back in the day, could pick up television signals from all over the world if you knew where to aim. I didn't really, but what we did know was that after 9pm, the Playboy Channel came on the air, and HBO started playing the movies with nudity in them. We were, by and large, more interested in the ridiculously awesome sword and sorcery and ninja movies that came on late at night, but far be it from we red-blooded American lads to turn up our noses at a bit of naughty-naughty. And if there was a patron saint of such films, it was Sylvia Kristel.
Back then, The Playboy Channel was considerably different than I think it is now. Most of the programming comprised of what we called "art house films" back then -- imported European movies with tons of nudity. But they were European, and usually people dressed in 1920s fashions while scenes were shot with weird hazy focus, so it was art, not sleaze. We'd usually feign being asleep in the living room until everyone else went to bed, whacked out on valium (it was the 1980s, after all) and with absolutely zero chance of them waking up to catch us. Then we'd fire up the TV and marvel at that forbidden after-midnight world. And chances are, we'd be seeing a lot of Sylvia Kristel, in more ways than one.
I can't remember which movie we saw first, but it doesn't really matter all that much. Pretty sure it was Lady Chatterly's Lover. All I really remember is that we became obsessed with Kristel and were probably the only two kids who could name drop her in casual 5th grade conversations, usually to a rapt audience of like-minded young lads who, unlike us, had no pipeline into his incredible world of lithesome, nude Dutch women.
Decades later, Sylvia still has a special place in my heart. You helped make me a man, Sylvia, or at least a skeevy little pervert. Whatever the case, it's been a blast.
